How To Speak To Someone About Giving Up Driving

by Forbes Health:

Although aging can affect people’s eyesight, hearing and reflexes, there’s no specific age that signals when it’s time to consider giving up driving. For some, this decision comes later in life, while others might begin showing signs of impairment decades earlier, says June M. McKoy, M.D., a professor of preventive medicine and program director of the geriatric medicine fellowship at the Northwestern Feinberg School of Medicine.

“Typically, the issue is not physical, it’s cognitive,” says Dr. McKoy. “Dementia is usually what causes problems in cognition, such as when someone who was a good driver before is suddenly missing the mark.”

If you’re concerned your spouse, parent, relative or friend might no longer be able to drive safely, it may be time for a conversation. Read on to learn how to approach someone about giving up driving—and how to make the conversation easier for everyone involved.

When to Consider Asking Someone to Give Up Driving

The majority of people killed in traffic accidents are 65 or older, according to the National Safety Council. When approaching someone about their ability to safely operate a vehicle, it’s important to first look for signs that these abilities have changed. Observing the following factors can help you to determine if it’s time to consider a conversation about your loved one’s driving ability.

Health Conditions

The presence of medical conditions doesn’t necessarily mean a person’s driving is impaired. For example, someone with glaucoma might see very well with the help of prescription eyewear, says Dr. McKoy. Even someone who has been diagnosed with an early stage of dementia (an umbrella term for diseases affecting memory, such as Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia) might not have any difficulty driving.

However, health problems related to medical conditions, the natural effects of aging (such as slowed reaction times and impaired hearing) or medication side effects can affect people’s ability to drive safely. Strokes, for example, can damage areas of the brain that deal with memory, which may cause people who have suffered a stroke to forget the nuances of driving, such as how to use a gear shift, Dr. McKoy adds.

Visual Cues

Visual signs, such as scratches or bumps on your loved one’s car could indicate trouble navigating the road or avoiding collisions. If the person has gotten lost or forgot where they were going while driving, that can be another red flag, notes Dr. McKoy. A pattern of not realizing when traffic lights have turned green or red or taking an unusually long time to realize someone is honking at them can also serve as indicators, she says. Receiving citations for driving too slow or too fast, or going the wrong way down a one-way street is also cause for concern.

How to Prepare

Once you’ve decided it’s time to speak to someone about giving up driving—based on signs and indicators—take a moment to prepare for the conversation. While these discussions are rarely easy, planning can make you better equipped to broach the topic.

Pick the Right Messenger

Before addressing someone’s driving ability, it’s important to establish who should initiate the conversation. Adult children might feel they should be the ones to suggest to a parent that it could be time to give up driving. However, if you’re worried your loved one might become defensive or refuse to discuss the topic with you, asking a doctor to intervene can help. Speaking with a doctor may help your loved one see the discussion as a professional opinion rather than a judgment or assumption made by their child or relative.

If you’ve asked a doctor to have the discussion with your loved one, you can still be part of the conversation. Ask if you can join the last few minutes of the appointment, says Dr. McKoy. This allows everyone to have the same understanding regarding safety concerns.

“I always ask patients if they’ve been in any fender benders, if they’ve lost their way while driving or have had any trouble backing out of their driveways,” she says. “People in that age group tend to be honest about those things. And I always ask their ophthalmologist to send me a report and make sure they’ve had a hearing evaluation—if those things are off, that’s a problem.”

Prepare Examples and Resources

When discussing a loved one’s driving ability, focus on facts. These might include discussing their medications and physical health, such as whether they take medications that cause drowsiness or have trouble getting in and out of the car due to arthritis, Dr. McKoy says. It may also involve discussing driving techniques, such as if they have trouble backing out of driveways.

It’s also important to gather resources before having the conversation about driving with your loved one. If they insist they’re able to drive safely, even in the face of conflicting evidence, ask them to take an assessment of their driving abilities, such as one offered by AAA or the American Geriatrics Society.

A formal assessment by an occupational therapist can also help determine fitness to drive, says Dr. McKoy, adding that these are a more reliable gauge than a driving test at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Have the contact information for one or two therapists ready to share with your loved one before the discussion.

How to Have the Conversation

A discussion about giving up driving will likely be an ongoing conversation, says Dr. McKoy. It might be a process that requires time and patience. To help navigate this process, consider some of the following tips.

Choose the Right Time

Giving up driving can be a sensitive topic, and for some, may feel like surrendering a sense of independence. To help make your loved one comfortable during this conversation, raise the topic in private in a relaxed and comfortable environment, Dr. McKoy says. Avoid being confrontational, and don’t gather extended family for a meeting that feels like an intervention.

“You want to be involved, not intrusive,” notes Dr. McKoy. If you’re unsure of the right time, consider bringing up the conversation while watching T.V. together, or while stopping for lunch during a shopping trip. If applicable, mention a near accident you recently had and ask something like, “Have you had problems with aggressive drivers, too?”

“Make sure you have a lot of time and are coming from a non-confrontational place of love,” says Dr. McKoy. “You might get some pushback, or they might say, ‘Let me think about it.’”
Ideally, this conversation will happen early enough so your loved one doesn’t feel pressured. “It’s better if you’re just talking about it and not treating them like they’re senile,” adds Dr. McKoy. “You want to communicate that the goal is for them to be independent and safe.”

Offer Examples and Facts

Once the conversation begins, share the examples and facts you prepared. Ask how your loved one feels about driving at night or in the rain, or raise an incident they’ve mentioned in the past, for example, “You mentioned you had a scare on the road recently. Do you think it might be time to think about how you can continue to meet your friends or go to the symphony without driving?”

Asking about their car maintenance and registration can also be helpful. This can be a time to ask whether they’ve considered not renewing the registration, or if they might enjoy not having to deal with the upkeep of their car.

You can also show them statistics noting the risks of fatalities and injuries for people in their age group, suggests Dr. McKoy. “What usually works for me in these conversations is saying, ‘You’re a good person, and I know you wouldn’t want to harm a child if you were to cause an accident. Imagine how that would make you feel,’” she adds.

Practice Empathy

Perhaps most important in any conversation about driving ability, is empathy. Be compassionate, and try not get exasperated if your loved one is unwilling to hand over their car keys immediately. Giving up the freedom and autonomy to travel without assistance is significant for many people, says Dr. McKoy. Additionally, most people don’t want to be a burden to others when it comes to transportation. It’s important to help them make this transition to not driving by helping them retain their social lives and sense of independence.

Make a Plan

Giving up driving can come with risks, and it’s reported older adults who stop driving are nearly two times more likely to suffer from depression, according to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) Age Lab and Hartford Funds[1]. To help mitigate risks, make a plan to help your loved one maintain their quality of life through this transition.

Loved ones also are less likely to feel like a burden if taking them places is framed as a way to enjoy time together rather than a task or favor you’re doing for them. A grocery trip could include dinner or a movie, too, suggests Dr. McKoy.

If you live close enough to a loved one and are able to drive them wherever they may need to go, Dr. McKoy recommends being cautious of overcommitting. Having a roster of backup drivers who can drive if needed, such as a neighbor or grandchild can also help lighten the responsibility of family members.

There are a variety of ways to help a person keep their independence, even without a driver’s license. If it’s safe for them to ride the bus or other public transportation in their area, help them navigate the schedule and familiarize them with the stops they’ll need. If a loved one lives in a condo or senior living facility, find out what rideshare options might be available in their building or broader community. Automatic delivery services for errands like groceries and medications can also help, but Dr. McKoy notes it’s important for seniors to get out of the house for fresh air and to continue socializing.